My Journey Regarding Abortion
My Before God Days
I grew up as an atheist. My mom grew up in Christian foster homes and it appears had bad experiences. My dad grew up in single parent family and had no leaning towards God. (My grandmother was a Polish Jew in heritage.) My Dad was not antagonistic towards God or Christians but lived as an atheist.
In my early years I just lived what I considered a moral life. In my eyes I was more moral than anyone I knew. The older I got the more pride I had. When I went to college I started being around Christians. I then became more vocal about my atheism. I would mock the Christians (many young women). I would be mean to them and push them away with being hateful towards them. I would tell some of them they were nice but stupid. I took pride in being an atheist. I would act like I am more moral than them.My Standard
My standard for morality was always about comparing myself to others. It was never the standard of the Bible. I did not do drugs. I was better. Yeah I drank and got drunk (under 21) but I was not like those alcoholics. I did not steal. I mean I was going to be a cop because I was so good compared to everybody else. (First time getting drunk and driving drunk was at 17 at a police party for us Police Explorers). I did not sleep around with a bunch of women. I would only have sex with one woman at a time. (There was no such thing as protected sex at that time. Or it just did not come up.) I was obviously better than most people. Again my standard was always based upon comparing myself with others. In reality I was a hypocrite.
I had a girlfriend that I loved very much with the love I had at the time. I treated her with respect and honor. I was faithful to her. I ultimately married her. Before we got married we had sexual relations. In fact, we has sex several times a week. (I am sure that was one of the reasons I ‘loved her’.) We had unprotected sex and never even thought of having protected sex. She got pregnant.
At the time of my girlfriend got pregnant we were not considering marriage. Her getting pregnant did not make me think we should get married. I just told her to get an abortion. She seemed somewhat hesitant. I did not care. I did not want the problem of having a kid. I had goals. Certainly not the goal of being a father. I told her to get an abortion. We don’t need a child messing up our relationship. My philosophy was I made it and I can have it killed. I am not sure if she wanted the abortion or not. I did and that is all that mattered. Just do what I said and let’s move on. She got the abortion probably around 8-13 weeks of gestation. I have no idea how the abortion affected her. It had no effect on me whatsoever. Absolutely none. No guilt, shame, remorse, nothing. I was a biology freak. I certainly knew all about embryos, fetuses, etc. I just could care less, I make it and I can kill it. Move on. I am my own god.
Mary and I ultimately got married. I cheated on her the first month we got married. Why? Because I had a customer that I always wanted to have sex with and never got to. The opportunity came up so I did it. Just wanted to get it out of my system. No guilt, remorse, shame. None. It just was like the abortion. I do what I want and no regrets. But I still thought I was better than everyone else. (Mary did not know about me cheating on her until I confessed just before we got divorced.)
Accepted Christ in My Life
The first two years of our marriage was wonderful, great. Sex all the time, bought land in Oregon and had a house built. We were starting to have the American Dream (just don’t bother us with children).
During this process I had a car accident and rolled my car off an embankment. I only bruised my knee. I walked away. This triggered a God hunt in me. I went to the Christian at work who I had mocked, attacked, and hatefully debated. He shared a book with me (Evidence That Demands a Verdict). I meet an ex-pastor and accepted Christ. I will never forget that day. My eyes were opened up. So much so it was as if they opened up physically. The world got a brightness I had never had seen before. It is hard to explain that experience.
My Stance on Abortion
One of the very first things I realized when I became a Christian was that I was wrong about my stance on abortion. Nobody had to tell me. I knew it in my heart immediately. One of the first things I did is ask God for forgiveness and mercy for killing my child (His child). I experienced His forgiveness. To this day I have peace about his forgiveness even though I to this day am saddened by m very cold heart at that time.
Life of Infidelity
Mary and I were working opposite shifts and making money was all that mattered. After all we had to pay for all we were obtaining. Without me realizing it we were growing apart. She seemed not as interested in sex. What I did not know she was cheating on me.
I was suspicious one late night at work and I drove to a co-worker’s house and saw her car there. I drove off and headed to my house to get my pistol. I did not who I was going to kill but it was going to be somebody. (That was not like me I was never a violent person, only killed you with my tongue.) Very clearly God said to me “Christians do not kill people they forgive”. At that moment my heart was changed. I said to myself I must forgive him and her.
I drove to the house and confronted the man. I told him God said to forgive him. I went into the bedroom where my wife was laying on the bed naked. I said I forgive her and if she will go home I will continue to love her.
After that event Mary starting having sex with whomever. I don’t know who but even got a call at the house from a stranger talking about having sex with her. However, I continued to forgive hoping things would change.
Moved to Alaska
A friend encouraged me to move to Alaska. So Mary and I moved to Alaska. I figured that would be a good fresh start.
While traveling to Alaska on the ferry Mary end up making friends with a guy living in Anchorage.
We bought a condo in Anchorage and at times the marriage was good but it was obvious it was not going to last. But I made the decision I would not be the one getting a divorce. I had a God love for Mary, I respected her in spite of her behavior because she was my wife and I am to honor her.
The Second Abortion
Mary found out she was pregnant. In spite of our troubles I was very excited. I was ready to have a child even if our marriage was not good. I figured God was bringing in a child in our life so that there would be healing in our marriage. I was very hopeful. Also, I felt that through this child God was bringing redemption in my life. It was God saying I am giving back to you what Satan had stolen. I have seen your repentance. I am going to bless you with a child.
Instead of me demanding Mary to have an abortion, she said she was going to have an abortion no matter what. The tables were turned on me. It was a slap in the face. It was heartbreaking. I begged and begged for her to not get the abortion. She said she was getting an abortion and getting a divorce. I still pleaded.
I found out where she was going to have the abortion. I called the clinic and they denied she had an appointment. They told me that I have no rights as a father. Absolutely none!!!!
I convinced Mary to see a pastor with me. He pleaded with her to no avail.
The day of her appointment was one of the darkest days of my life. I was overwhelmed with depression. I was totally powerless. (A great lesson to learn in spite of the end result.) At the time I had nobody to go to. In desperation I went to a home fellowship in the evening. They prayed for me. God gave me total peace. A peace that passes understanding.
Since that time until around 15 years ago I battled with depression and sucidical thoughts. But even in those darkest time I cannot explain how God would give me a peace. I know sounds strange. I was a strange person at that time. Okay, still am. All this was to prepare me for the minsitry He would give me-to reach out to the most rejected.
A month later Mary divorced me and on the day the divorce was final she moved to California and got married a week later. (At least that is what I understand). I let her stay at our house during the 30 day waiting period for the dissolution of the marriage. I still forgave her.
I understand forgiveness. When Jesus forgave this wicked, God hating man, and put His Holy Spirit in my life, the gift of forgiveness was imputed in me. I believe this with all my heart. It is a gift that God gave me. A wonderful gift. A gift to forgive others.
I know what it is to be forgiven for killing my baby. I want everyone else to know of His forgiveness.
(Sadly, for many years I struggled with not forgiving myself in many other situations, not in regards to the abortion. I struggled for years with depression and suicidal thoughts. That is a whole other story. BUT praise God I fully understand forgiveness in all realms, for others AND myself.)
Crisis Pregnancy Center
After Mary had her second abortion I made a vow that I would do whatever it took to save the lives of unborn babies. I became a leader in Operation Rescue in Alaska. I became a leader in March for Life in Alaska. I was willing to be mocked, jailed (twice for trespassing) for the sake of unborn babies. God rescued my life, God forgave me, and it is my job to rescue others.
I, with others, started one of the first Crisis Pregnancy Centers in Alaska. We provided an alternative to women. We offered support in every realm. Whether the woman chose to keep her baby or not.
During those years I was able to be part of actively saving unborn babies lives. God allowed my baby (or another man’s baby) to die when Mary had her second abortion but He has more than made up for it in my life by calling me to Operation Rescue and the Crisis Pregnancy Center. Our God is a Redeemer.
God has called me on another path today. He has called me to be a Watchman on the Wall and a Pastor. He has called me to be one who gives the warning cry and the one who help individuals who hear the cry. He has called me to win people to Christ and to disciple them so that they do not make the same mistakes I have made. He has called me into the ministry of offering forgiveness.
I know now that I am a wretched man without Christ. I am a murderer, thief, liar, adultery, fornicator, idolater, reviler, arrogant, and more. Without Christ I am nothing.
It was evil for me to force Mary to have an abortion. It was evil for me to live with the pride I had. I was a hypocrite. I was a mess (which I found out later).
BUT MY GOD IS A FORGIVING GOD! A MERCIFUL GOD! A LOVING GOD! A REDEEMING GOD!
If you have had an abortion please, I beg of you, stop living with shame, guilt, and remorse, receive the forgiveness of Christ. He will forgive you whether you are a Christian or not. Receive His forgiveness. BUT. He has so much for you if you accept Christ in your life. Learn how at www.sodc.tv/resources/eternal-life
If you are considering abortion, realize it is murder. You may not feel conviction now, but you will feel regret after you have an abortion. It may be a few years like me, but it will come. Save yourself that hell. If you have no one to talk to, give me a call. 206-396-1995.
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